And The Daily Dimwit Award Goes To...

...this unidentified guy, who says he was so distracted by a low-flying bird and a dropped cell phone that he drove his million-dollar Bugatti Veyron into a marsh. At least he didn't mow down a cyclist as the weeds beckoned.

So many dimwits, so little time to blog.

Global Warming Alert!

Funny, I don't remember the Goracle saying anything about curvy women in tight dresses, but things sure seem to be heating up!

Wait 'til the Prez gets home to Michelle...

'Madam, Your Shorts Appear to Be Frothy'

From Runner's World: I've done a few (well, more than a few) silly things before and during a triathlon, but never this! And I do my own laundry so there'd be nobody to blame but moi.

Speedy Gonzalez Played Hockey

Who knew? Watching the Blackhawks' hockey game last night when I noticed Kitty playing her own game in the dining room, a game of "mouse hockey." Gross. The "puck" made a flying exit into the bushes.

My One & Only Vice...That I'll Admit

Question of the day: what's your first thought upon awakening? Mine is COFFEE! I NEED COFFEE!

Fundraising In the 21st Century

I'm not Catholic and I'm not giving up anything for Lent (and if I was I'd give up depriving myself of things I really want.) Anyway, this Bud's for all of you who've sworn off swearing for a few weeks (thanks for the heads-up to Flatman via Project Procrastination!)

Whoever said advertising is just the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail?

Oh yeah, turn the sound WAAAY down before you watch this at work.

iPod Shuffle: "Cuts You Up" by Peter Murphy, from "Wild Birds 1985-1995." Rock 'n roll meets the viola. And "Judge, I'm Not Sorry" by Jorma Kaukonen, from "Land of Heroes." Jefferson Airplane's guitarist happily gigging his bluesy way around the world. And "Red Hill Mining Town" by U2, from "The Joshua Tree." Before they decided it was a good idea to channel KC & The Sunshine Band. And "Let's Make It" by Canned Heat and John Lee Hooker, from "Hooker 'N Heat."

"Holy Crap! It's Raining Cats!"

Today's story needs some stage-setting. Every morning, Camden the Wonder Dog arrows out the front door in search of adventure and a good place to poop. His trajectory usually angles him toward a cluster of bird feeders in the yard's east-most corner.

Said corner frequently contains several marauding squirrels, though for some reason, not today.

Anchoring that corner is a large evergreen tree, some kind of cedar, I think. Birds hang out there, resting between sunflower seed buffets. Squirrels do too, though for some reason, not today.

And my neighbors to the west own a coal-black tomcat named Panther, a large, usually-friendly, mostly-outdoor kitty who yowls and howls, plunders and pillages, generally cutting a big, loud swath through the country life.

So today, CtWD is tearing across the yard as usual when I hear something rustling in the cedar tree. Thinking it's either a squirrel or some steroidal hulk of a bird, I glance over and see Panther, two-thirds of the way up the tree, frantically reversing course and trying to climb down.

Apparently he's a better climber-upper than a scooter-downer because he loses his grip, slides down a branch and lands SPLAT! in a snowbank, 6 inches in front of CtWD's pointy nose.

I'm not sure how to describe the look on CtWD's face. The closest I can come is something like a stunned "Holy Crap! It's raining cats!"

Before CtWD regathered his mojo, Panther scooted around the corner and over the neighbor's fence. Good thing for CtWD; Panther woulda clawed his nose off.

But since the incident, I've noticed CtWD paying MUCH closer attention to the tree and its occupants. He circles warily, checks out the ivy patch underneath and all the branches he can see. Manna from heaven may not happen again in his lifetime but if it does, he's gonna be READY!

I'll bet the squirrels weren't at their usual posts cuz they were all fighting for the merriment's ringside seats. And I'll bet they're still laughing...

As am I.

I Read The News So You Won't Have To

Speaking from personal experience, sometimes life swings for your 'nads...and misses!  What a great feeling!

Here's what I had for dinner last night.  I made enough for several days of lunches and snacks.  Yummy!

My goodness.  Add Mom, Dad and a neighbor kid and you've got your own football team.  (Reportedly, Mom plans to breastfeed.  Now, it's true I'm a guy and the mechanics of such things occasionally escape me, but isn't she, like, a little short on breasts or something?)

New research says playing in a lotta dirt may be good for you.  They should come to my house and meet CtWD.  He'd happily play ringleader and show you the Outback's best dirt...mostly in my kitchen.

iPod Shuffle: "I Forget You Every Day" by Chris Whitley, from "Living With the Law."  Roots music with a Daniel Lanois patina.  And "I Need To Know" by Tom Petty, from "You're Gonna Get It!"  Great drum warm-up track.  And "Monday" by ALO, from "Roses & Clover."  A modest little effort that hardly sucks at all.  And "Fotzepolitic" by Cocteau Twins, from "Heaven Or Las Vegas."  Swirling, textured soundscapes.

Skiing's Better When Clothed and Sober!

Tri-Daughter #3 forwarded this item from BBC News:  A skier falls off a lift at Vail, gets his clothes tangled in the chair and hangs there for several minutes, pants around ankles.

OK, only two things to say: (1) No matter what happens in life, count on someone nearby to laugh hysterically and take pictures, thus memorializing the event for all time, and (2) I've done some dumb things around chairlifts, but nothing quite like this and ALL before the era of cellphone cams!  Said hijinks mostly involved adolescent stupidity and one or more flavors of schnapps.  Though there was some laughter, there are no pictures!  Whew!

The Moment Before Pain Sets In...

...as Tri-Brother calls em.  Enjoy!  (I'm sure they didn't!)

Athletes Who Should Be More Careful.

There's Joe Sakic vs. the snowblower.

And Derrick Rose vs. a paring knife.

And John Daly anywhere near a camera.

And me with a snow shovel.  Pictures at 10.

This Is What Happens When I Ruminate

I've been thinking.  Always dangerous, I know.  But several of you, dear readers, have pointed out in comments and e-mails how cranky I've been lately.  And even though I kinda like being cranky, I've done enough self-reflection to come to a conclusion:

We - you and me -  don't drink enough wine.

Yep.  So henceforth, before I flay somebody - even somebody from the New York Times - I'm gonna invite 'em to the Great Suburban Outback for a home-cooked dinner and a good bottle of wine or three.  We'll discuss the state of the world and issues big and small.  I'm betting we'll agree more than we'll disagree.  We'll enjoy the fireplace and the sun setting over the lake.

I'll send 'em home with a coupon for anti-Camden the Wonder Dog dry-cleaning.  And then I'll report on what we AGREED upon instead of ranting about a DISAGREEMENT with someone I've never met.  

Of course they may not show up, but if they refuse my invitation I'm gonna do what I do best and light 'em up.  They had their chance.  Of course if they DO show up they're free to complain about the wretched food.  Fair's fair.

Call it a New Years' resolution, the first I've ever made except for the annual promise to never make an annual promise.

The big question is who to invite first.  Any suggestions?  It seems that the only interesting people I can think of are all, well, dead.

Is Your Car's Spare Tire A Bike?

Anybody know of a good 12-step program for addicted triathletes?  Stop me before I buy another gadget!

Deer Attacks Hunter

HaHaHaHaHaHa!  I've always said I don't want to hear how tough hunters are until the deer start shooting back.   Bambi's not packing heat yet but...turnabout is fair play.

Is 'Eternity' A MapQuest Destination?

Not too long ago, I facilitated a 2-day retreat for 75 pastors and clergy on the topic of church growth.  I can't help comparing that group with the physicians and hospital leaders making up my usual audience.

Simply put: physicians will tell you to go to hell.  Pastors will supply you with turn-by-turn directions.

You Know You're A Different Kind Of Triathlete When...

Funny thread over at Beginner Triathlete.  I'm not a beginner but let's just say there was a fair amount of self-recognition going on.

I especially liked the "...shaving your head the night before a race 'cuz you think it'll be more aero under your helmet!"  Hahahaha.  Hey, it coulda worked...

Signs Of The Times

A friend e-mailed me the following:

"If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.  With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.  But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.  Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.  It's called the 401-Keg program."

HaHa!  True.  Depressing, but true.  

Are You Triathlon-Obsessed?

Take this quiz and find out.  Then go over there to the right and take my poll about the economy and next year's racing season.  Thanks!

An Early Morning Ass-Kicking

I saw CoachKaryn at Steelhead a few weeks ago.  Now an E-mail message arrives:

"Hi (Vertical Man),

"Great to hear from you. My new cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Would love to catch up!

"Is your 2 year taper finally OVER??? :)

"Karyn"

Well yes, I think it is thanks for asking!

Best Line Of the Day...

...so far, from one of the talking heads at Fox News; 

"....Sarah Palin is John McCain's political Viagra!"