Stick Out Your Tongue and Say "Ah!"

The absurdity of that headline will become apparent in a moment. You see, I've just endured another "rite of passage" associated with turning 50, thanks to Doc Tom, my softball team buddy and ever-vigilant PCP.

I saw Doc Tom for a thorough physical a few years ago, primarily to satisfy myself that a vertical Ironman finish wasn't asking too much of this decrepit body. As part of that really fun occasion, Doc Tom noted that my father (a "primary" relative in genetic terms) suffered from stomach cancer (though he lived 15 years after the diagnosis only to be felled by medical malpractice. That's a story for another day but ask me if you want the name of a doctor in Southwest Michigan to avoid...)

"Hmmm" mused Doc Tom. "Vertical Man, we should really get a baseline colonoscopy on you just to be sure you're in the clear." Baseline colonoscopy? WTF? Then it got worse. "In fact, we should scope you from BOTH ends since we're going to be in there anyway." Right. OK, sure. Let's call that, oh, I don't know, a double-header, maybe? Reason #8,461 why getting old sucks.

But in the end (pun sorta intended) I figured that I could sure as hell get through it if Katy Couric, NBC's vapid, perky, talking airhead could. So, early yesterday, I trudged off to the gastroenterologist's office. I'll spare you the details of what happened therein, mostly because I can't remember any of 'em. That Versed is GREAT stuff, like being knocked out with a velvet hammer. I'm told I was scoped more thoroughly than a nude supermodel in a men's prison but I'll just have to take their word for it. All I know is I'm in great health (for a geezer) and don't have pay a return visit for 10 years.

So nyah-nyah to old age. And boo-hoo to all of you scaredy-cats out there who won't get yourself checked out. Finally, no rant would be complete without saying something to all of you pointy-headed, pocket protector-wearing bio-pharma nerds reading this, namely STOP THE SCIENTIFIC WANKING! Yep, spare the world more versions of generic Viagra and come up with a GI prep that's easy, fast and less vile than drinking maggot puke. I'll even invest...