Monday, August 22, 2005

My Retirement Plan

Think this post is about IRAs and 401k plans? Nope. It's not even about Social Security though it might be about the lack thereof. See, whenever I retire, I expect that most sources of governmental geezer assistance will be bankrupt or otherwise unavailable to those with more than 10 cents in their pocket. And by then a gallon of gas will cost $10, a months supply of my cholesterol medication will set me back, oh, a grand or so, and taxes will take 110% of my income from drum-playing gigs. Add in the race entry fees for a dozen or so triathlons every year and it's not a pretty picture is it?

So, as I've been thinking about my "golden years," one idea keeps resurfacing: I should become a harmless, nonviolent petty criminal. Maybe a small-time marijuana grower or something. I'd be really bad at it, get caught and (hopefully) sent to a minimum security prison for as long as possible. Think about it: free housing, free food, free medical care, recreation opportunities and no need to worry about paying the bills or my under-funded 401k plan.

I'll admit there's a couple of things I haven't figured out yet: (1) avoiding Saturday night "dates" with Bubba the 400-pound cellmate; (2) determining my fallback position in case marijuana is legalized 2 months before my plan needs to go into effect, leaving me with NO career options whatsoever. And, (3) Missing terribly certain, OK many, ALRIGHT ALL aspects of "female companionship." (see point #1, above.)

Hmmm. OK, after 5 seconds of additional reflection I think I'm gonna bag the career criminal idea and get to work on my 401k. One more man saved by the love of a good woman...

6 comments:

Comm's said...

can't grow the wacky weed in AZ my friend. The largest pot bust in history ($150 million value) was found here last week and all the workers were illegal aliens...ah... undocumented immigants..ah...migrating workers.

mipper said...

LOL! This is a funny post (although I know the root of it isn't). I think there is a movie out there right now about this. A widow (or divorcee) mother who sells pot to feed her kids. pretty sad when you realize this is a reality and when you yourself think "hey, it might work..." *sigh*

Wil said...

LOL! OK, imagining you in prision is just wrong in so many ways. This will no doubt crack me up for the rest of the day.

Vertical Man said...

A movie? You mean that some Hollywood screen-writer STOLE my idea? I'm gonna sue!

mipper said...

LOL... i'll back you up, but you may have to wear a dress to prove the idea was yours. hmmm... maybe you should just let it slide?

Vertical Man said...

Hey, I might look OK in a dress! My legs aren't THAT bad!