My Retirement Plan

Think this post is about IRAs and 401k plans? Nope. It's not even about Social Security though it might be about the lack thereof. See, whenever I retire, I expect that most sources of governmental geezer assistance will be bankrupt or otherwise unavailable to those with more than 10 cents in their pocket. And by then a gallon of gas will cost $10, a months supply of my cholesterol medication will set me back, oh, a grand or so, and taxes will take 110% of my income from drum-playing gigs. Add in the race entry fees for a dozen or so triathlons every year and it's not a pretty picture is it?

So, as I've been thinking about my "golden years," one idea keeps resurfacing: I should become a harmless, nonviolent petty criminal. Maybe a small-time marijuana grower or something. I'd be really bad at it, get caught and (hopefully) sent to a minimum security prison for as long as possible. Think about it: free housing, free food, free medical care, recreation opportunities and no need to worry about paying the bills or my under-funded 401k plan.

I'll admit there's a couple of things I haven't figured out yet: (1) avoiding Saturday night "dates" with Bubba the 400-pound cellmate; (2) determining my fallback position in case marijuana is legalized 2 months before my plan needs to go into effect, leaving me with NO career options whatsoever. And, (3) Missing terribly certain, OK many, ALRIGHT ALL aspects of "female companionship." (see point #1, above.)

Hmmm. OK, after 5 seconds of additional reflection I think I'm gonna bag the career criminal idea and get to work on my 401k. One more man saved by the love of a good woman...