Thursday, June 19, 2008

Best Heavy Metal Bands...NOT!

Some Yahoo wanker in a stupid hat and ugly-assed beard decided to list his picks for Top 25 Heavy Metal Bands.  So at the risk of being called worse-than-captious, I had to comment thusly...

  1. Black Sabbath...blech.  Droning, stupid, plodding, boring, idiotic, ludicrously ill-conceived wanker music.  No redeeming value whatsoever.
  2. Led Zeppelin...are you kidding me?  Drunk Brit wankers butchering Chicago blues standards.  "Heh heh heh!  He said 'squeeze my lemon...!'"
  3. AC/DC...gag.  Too bad they never FOUND that Highway To Hell...and followed it the HELL outta town.
  4. Van Halen...barf.  Smug double entendres and being hot for teacher do NOT a metal song make!  Go away.  Go far away where I can't hear you.
  5. Jimi Hendrix Experience:  are you kidding me...again?  As a guitarist, Hendrix was over-rated, over-medicated, over-wrought and over-amplified.  Hell, crank a Sun amp to 11 and ANYBODY'LL sound good.  Maybe even me.
  6. if their music wasn't bad enough, their act of suing music-sharing fans consigns them to a prominent spot on history's shitpile.  And, to make history complete, their wanker drummer sucks.
  7. Judas Priest...Jesus Christ.
  8. Aerosmith...wankers for clueless, pimply-faced, prom-going, teenybopper twerps...and Super Bowl fans who, as a group, have musical tastes slightly lower than a bedbug's.
  9. Motorhead...who?   What?  Why?
  10. Iron Maiden...ANY metal band with "maiden" in its name is automatically disqualified.
  11. Slayer...oh God, kill me now.
  12. Deep Purple...well, OK.  Maybe.  Ian Paice (their drummer) rocks.
  13. Spinal Tap...ummm, a parody of a parody movie about a metal band parodying itself.  It sorta works, though not for the reasons Mr. Yahoo Wanker thinks.  At least they discovered self-immolation; too bad more bands didn't pick up on it.
  15. Robin Trower...under-appreciated, little OK choice.  Plus he was in a band called Procol Harem.  Dunno what it means but I have "Harem" dreams all the time.
  16. Dio...ummm...WHO?  What'd he/they sell...about 12 records?
  17. KISS...see #14.  Keep It Simple Stupid is only a bad mantra sold by moronic business consultants to equally moronic clients, not an acronym for musical greatness.
  18. Guns N' Roses...see #8 only drunker and stupider and more idiotic and less talented...if that's possible.
  19. Kyuss...see #16.
  20. Thin Lizzy...if I were them I'd ask how to get the freakin' hell off this chicken-shit list.  They deserve better.  Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak, baby.
  21. Pantera...learning one more chord would double their guitar vocabulary...and screaming like your balls are caught in a rosebush is NOT singing, no matter what 12 year-olds say.  
  22. Uriah Heep...are you EFFIN' KIDDING me?  Absolutely unlistenable and I don't care what Virgil Quaverly Fritzer said in high school 5th period.
  23. Alice In Chains...ummm...CHAINS...too bad a GAG and a power outage weren't involved somehow.  Poor Alice.  And too bad the man's box wasn't SOUNDPROOF!
  24. Mercyful Fate...a bunch of Danish poseur wankers; need I say more?
  25. Meshuggah...a bunch of Swedish uber-poseur wankers channeling a drunk, IKEA-shopping Rabbi; can I say less?
Geez, who unleashed the stupid gene all of a sudden?  Yahoo must've discovered a new way to fend off potential acquirers: publish lotsa stupid stuff and trash their business model...

And, according to researcher Dr. Katherine Rankin, if you didn't get the sarcastic tone of the previous sentences you must have some damage to your parahippocampal gyrus...

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