Global Hot Air

I’m sick of the Goracle. His pompous lecturing while he pursues a Gulfstream-flying, limo-riding, indoor pool-heating lifestyle really bugs me. I know, I know. He gets to do all that stuff because he’s so much smarter than the rest of us and he’s doing good works along the way – saving the planet and all. Um, OK.

Now, lest you think of me as some chainsaw-wielding eco-reprobate, let me offer that I drive a high-mileage mini-SUV (necessary for all the Tri-Crap I haul around); I walk when I can and drive only when I must; I recycle (though my city does not make it easy); I conserve water (showering with a friend when possible); I turn the temperature down in winter and up in summer and I don’t buy lots of unnecessary junk that I'll just throw away some day. Hell, I only break wind on alternate Thursdays.

And I’m of two minds when it comes to fossil fuels. On the one hand, I think we could neutralize a whole bunch of evil, sand-pounding despots by burning the entire world’s supply of oil reserves just as fast as we can, say by the end of next week. (Aside: Iran must see this future too. Why do you think they want NUKES? HELLO!)

My other hand says our auto/oil/transportation-based economy has ravaged our planet. Way too many Yuppie dipshits buy ugly landbarge-sized cars and build bloated, weird houses in what used to be nice exurban forests. So let’s just stop…right now.

While the brainiacs figure out which option is the least-worst and how to raise my taxes to pay for it all, let’s deconstruct the Goracle’s stump speech shall we? As near as I can tell it goes as follows:

(1) The earth is warm and getting lots warmer…fast. A “True Planetary Emergency” I believe he calls it.

(2) Though the planet seems to naturally cycle between warming and cooling, THIS warming trend is made worse by human activity…

(3) …and thus can be moderated, stopped and/or reversed by these very same humans if only we’d start doing what the United Nations tells us.

(4) And finally, if not reversed, the warming will have horribly negative effects on the planet and its inhabitants.

So Warming…Humans…Inaction…Catastrophe. Get it? Good. To which I say there’s nothing wrong with Manhattan (or Southern California) that a good rise in ocean levels wouldn’t cure.