Monkeys, Inmates, Dogs and TomKats

So many absurd juxtapositions, so little time. Monkeys guarding the banana boat. Inmates running the asylum. Dogs organizing a chess game. Tom Cruise running a movie studio.

Just to make it clear, “Risky Business” is the only Tom Cruise movie I’ve ever liked (and the only one I’ve been able to watch from start-to-finish.) I own exactly one photo of him. It’s in my encyclopedia, under the phrase “repellent narcissistic gasbag moron.”

Last summer, figuring that Cruise’s aberrant behavior cost him $150 million in lost “MI3” ticket sales, canny investor Sumner Redstone dumped Cruise from Paramount Pictures, scolding him publicly and bluntly for becoming “an embarrassment to the studio” (a.k.a. another grinning idiot who never got the “it’s weird to jump on Oprah’s couch” memo.)

As if we needed more proof that you can’t swing a dead cat in Hollywood without conking someone stupid, Cruise and his “producing partner” have been punted into leadership roles to RUN a storied Hollywood studio. Golly, they get to make decisions and everything! Just exactly HOW far from reality can one town get?”

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9